No one knows how I feel...

6:49PM

After work today TJ and I took my 4th graders and his 6th graders hiking. We took them up in to Williamstown. There is a nice 4 mile loop there with some really nice size hills and rocky terrain. It was a blast! It was cold, but not unbearable. Honestly though, i forgot about this hike. So, I hadn't thought about bringing a snack with me. So, I didn't get home until 6 pm. So that is 6.5 hours with nothing to eat. I'm paying for it majorly now. I am FREEZING now and can't seem to get warm. I'm currently sitting in my room with the heat cranked high with slippers, sweats and 3 shirts and a sweatshirt and covered in 4 blankets. Damn fucking eating disorder and how it completely fucked with my body and my temperature regulation system. This happens EVERY time my eating schedule gets fucked with. my body has become so programed and when I don't eat when I am "due" I get all thrown off and my body and temperature go haywire. NOT FUN!!!!! I hope this passes...and soon. Because I am sitting here and literally shaking because I am so cold. I think i'll go put the heat on high in my bathroom and take a burning hot shower. I don't know what to do. I ate a big dinner but it hasn't helped yet...

Current mood: freezing

7:24PM

i'm severely lacking in motivation. i'm upset about jessie. she is absolutely FINE right now, but i'm just still upset. i have A TON of school work to get done and ZERO motivation to get it done. i want to get to the gym tomorrow morning for an 8:30 a.m. spin class. and after that, i'll have some time to get some work done, then i have to go to my cousin annalyse's communion party. and then babysit tomorrow night. and get up at hte ass crack of dawn on sunday and do work literally all day....i'm not looking forward to it.

i just cant motivate myself to get anything done right now. i just want to go to sleep. im really tired. my parents went out tonite to look for a new car. i'm very lonely. i wish my mom would stay home with me. i sound like im 5 when i say that, but its true. i dont want to be alone. and i dont have the energy to go out to hang out with my friends. that requires too much work. showering again and getting dressed and putting on makeup is more than i care to handle right now. i'm tired.

so, gluten free food is kind of gross. not everything, but some stuff i bought. i sampled pretty much everything i bought today. i bought some sort of chocolate chewy muffin/cookie bar type thing. its gross. i bought brown rice cakes. pretty gross...

there isnt many options as to what to eat. i hesitate to buy the bread. its rice bread. what the fuck does that taste like? i bought a rice krispies cereal. but its brown rice and its got strawberries, blueberries and raspberries in it. that actually was delicious with ice cold milk. i just ate some. i also discovered that the salted soy crisps i LOVE are gluten free. i'll certainly miss having pretzels though. the only gluten free pretzels i saw today in the store were pretzels with poppy seeds all over them. that yucky. amy's makes some frozen rice, tofu and veggie dinners that look pretty good. i'm going to have that tomorrow. hopefully this whole gluten free thing will help my speech issue. its worth a shot.

so on to an update about the nut...

she takes insurance which is great!
she was really nice and is also a runner too.
she has dealt with clients who are runners with Eating disorders.
she also has a few clients with celiac on a gluten free diet.
so she is familiar with my situation.

today was basically an intake of my eating history and current menus...

its cold out. and i hate it. its 38 degrees and its hte middle of april. it should be in the 60's by now. its colder now than it was in december. yep that makes great sense.

Current mood: cold

10:25PM

i have a lot to say right now about school, but i will say only a few things...


first off, i hate st. josephs college with a burning passion. yesterday, i went to register for classes for the fall. i was told that i couldnt register. because they were missing my transcript from the spring and summer of '06 from community college. um, i saw that transcript with my very own blue eyes. because bad in september, i was told that my transcript was missing. so i called the community college and had it sent to st. joes. in october, i checked to be sure it was at st. joes. the woman in the registrars office showed it to me. she had it in my folder. well, now its gone. and i cant register. and im pissed. BUT something good came out of this....

my "D" i got in stats a few years back was accepted. which means i dont have to take another math class!

and im taking 3 psych classes in teh fall and student teaching.
and then in the spring, i'm student teaching and taking only 1 psych class. and then im done! yay! almost there!

now only if i could get my damn transcript i'll be all set!

um, so yea. this speech issue is getting very fucking out of hand. i know ive mentioned that already. i'm seriously contemplating this gluten free thing. i cant deal anymore. im willing to try anything. i cant do this anymore. im miserable and its bringing me down big time.

i have a huge presentation to give in 3 weeks in my science/math methods class. its a project with a partner. hopefully katharine can do most of hte talking, because i cant. i think this gluten free thing is going to SHOCK my system. so im going to ease into it. im going to have to start slow by removing a few things...and then replace them with gluten free and gradually phase it out. gluten free foods are a little expensive though, but my mom said she didnt care and would give me the money to shop. yay

7:19PM

life just keeps getting better...um...

jessie, my dog is sick. she has a giant bump/growth type thingy on her mouth. she isnt eating. shes just laying around the house doing nothing. i think its a tumor. and im scared. i love that dog. if anything happens to her, i wont be able to deal. we need to take her to teh vet and my parents keep saying "we'll wait and see..." i dont want to wait. i want to take her NOW. BUT, minor problem that i have no money to pay for the vet and its expensive. i just want to crawl into a hole for a while.

6:14PM

random question that maybe someone can help me out with...

my eye lids hurt. they feel sore to the touch. they actually hurt, like they are bruised or something. i'm tired today so maybe thats why they hurt??

9:39AM

stressed does not even begin to describe how i feel right now. too much school work and not enough time to do it. i've got this lingering cold that just wont go away. i'm exhausted. too many hours at work. not enough time to myself. not enough time to devote to my school work. i was up again at 4:30 to run before my class this morning. ran 6 miles. i took my shoe off and it was covered in blood on the inside. same thing happened last nite, except it was on the other foot, but in hte exact same spot. they weren't blisters, but just raw cut type things, with missing skin. hurt like hell, but with a band-aid, i'm fine. now both sneakers are covered with blood on the inside, oh well. i'm gonna get new ones soon anyway.

had weight lifting class again this morning. its fine. i'm tired. i have work till 1 now, then spanish. i have a quiz today and i dont know what its on. i'm so not prepared. oh well, such is life i guess. i have to find some time to do this fucking online course. its going to kill me. i'm so exhausted. 4 hours of sleep, insane workouts and little food isnt cutting it. i dont know what to do or how to handle any of this. i'm scared.

i have therapy tonite, which is good. i need to talk. about what, i'm not quite sure. but, i need someone to talk to.

( food stuff that may trigger )

Current mood: stressed

1:11PM

i'm down today. why? i dont know. i shouldnt be. i have off of school and work for a whole week. i've been looking forward to this for how long now? i should be happy and excited. instead though, i'm down and in a crappy mood. dont understand myself sometimes. i feel real unsettled. stomach ache, dizzy, neusea...blah
i was supposed to have therapy this afternoon. but diane called this morning to tell me she had a tree fall down in front of her drive way and she couldnt get out and the ppl were there to remove it. but she wasnt going to be able to see me at 1 today. she said we'd have a phone session. and that she'd call at 1 pm. well, its 1:30 and she still hasnt called and i dont have all fucking day to sit around waiting. i have to go to the gym and run.i dont have the time to sit here waiting. this is ridiculos. i mean, i understand her not being able to get there because of teh tree and all, but then to make me sit here and wait is wrong. i have stuff to do. my father and grandfather just got home from hunting. my dad is off the rest of the week. oh my god, kill me. i cant deal with him for a whole week. he drives me crazy.

i went to ivy league school yesterday to observe. its a small private school about 10 minutes away from me. i observed a 2nd grade class. interesting. only 8 kids in teh class. i actually ended up seeing my little lindsey there. she goes to pre school there. i saw her playing on the playground. when she spotted me, she lit up. she ran over, jumped in my arms. it was really cute. my observations are done for the semester. thank god, i'm through with this...for now anyway....

Current mood: blank

12:04AM

can't deal with life at the moment...more tomorrow when i can form cohearant thoughts...
bed now before i really lose it

Current mood: angry

9:52PM

my kness are done for. i need new knees, so anyone who is willing to give me 2 working knees, please let me know. too many years of pounding on them. they are finished. i ran today. dont know why, but i did. anyway, i cried the ENTIRE time. i'm in massive amounts of pain. i've had them packed in ice all evening. i can hardly walk. this is no good. not at all. i cant deal with this. my knees. i need to be able to run and with them feeling this way, i can barely walk, running is certainly out of the question right now. i dont know what to do with all this pain. i mean, how do i deal with the fact that it doesnt seem as if i'll be running anymore. yes, as unhealthy as it is for me to be running, at the same time, it keeps me sane and able to think and function. without it, what do i do? i'm scared. my whole body aches and now, well now i'm lost. what will i do?

what will i do about alot of things. my knees, my best friend, the fact that i'm too tired to get out of my bed lately...but too afraid to let myself rest.
i had therp last nite. i sat there for the session trying to talk about what is happening to my best friend. tried to process it all. having a hard time. having a hard time watching this happen. but i dont know how to approah her in saying something. i know i should though. i know i need to. if i dont, i'm going to lose my best friend for good. and i cant let that happen. i need kira. without her, i'm lost and lonely. today, again, she was out of her friggin mind. kristen told me that kira showed up 2 hours late for work today. shes been late alot in the past weeks. as hard as its been many days to get my ass to work, i've never been late. ever...
that scares me half to death when i can look at kira and see someone that i dont know. i want my best friend back. i want her back so bad. i just cant stop thinking about the fact that shes gone...literally, shes gone,...shes not kira anymore. kira used to be so sharp, so quick, so *on the ball*...now shes slow as a turtle, has no clue what is going on...shes lost in her drugged up little world and i want her back. i'd do anything to get her back. it hurts me to watch her like this. i know what its like to be in her shoes. amphetamines in 2002-2003 while away at school, along with xanax last summer. i was so high off my ass times that i was unrecognizable. i wasnt michelle anymore. i was gone. and i didnt know it then, but i was gone. i didnt realize it then, but i hurt alot of people. didnt care though. all that mattered was that i was numb. i couldnt feel therefore, i couldnt hurt. thats all i cared about. but now, looking back i realize how my actions affected my friends, my family and others that cared about me. i see i was an addict. detox from xanax was a bitch. i didnt sleep for about a month. i know. its hard. this hurts so much though. watching your best friend do this. i dont know what to do. i'm terrified.
i miss kira. i cant be around this though. i cant be exposed to this behavior. i'm not strong enough for this. i'm too vulnerable to be around her like this. its not a healthy space for me to be in. i'm likely to somehow breakdown and get pulled in to this bad situation, i have a bad feeling...
but i cant just up and leave ki. shes my best friend and she needs me. she does. and i want to help her. but i cant confront this alone. i need other people to do this with me. and i know they'd be willing. but the other problem is, i'm scared that if she denies all this, she'll be angry with me and that will destroy our friendship. and the thought of that even happening is hurting so much...

Current mood: uncomfortable

11:05AM

still FREEZING. my hands have now graduated to a pretty purple tint. not cool at all. i'm so tired, i cant keep my eyes open. i'm down and sad. down in a deep depression like never before. its not my hormones and i cant figure out what it is...
i went to dinner last nite with everyone for kiras bday. it was nice. we had a good time. and i got to watch idol b/c my mom taped it, so that was good.
carrots are my newest food of choice lately. steam some carrots with salt and splenda and they are really good...yeah okay so on to more importnat things...like the fact that i'm not okay. not at all. the fact that i'm finding it difficult to find the energy to even care. i'm too tired to care that i'm not okay. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i neeed to go home. i need to quit my job. i shouuldnt be working. i need to rest. need to sleep. need someone to feed me b/c i cant do it myself. need someone to take away my gym membership, my running sneakers, my workout clothes. need someone to save me b/c i cant do it myself. too tired. and i dont care. so yesterday, i was SUPPOSED to have therapy, but ended up not having it...and it was all b/c of my stupid boss kristen. she decided to not come home from work last nite until 6 pm. i've had therp at 5:15 on wednesdays now for 8 months....she knows shes supposed to be home at 5 on wednesdays. so, yeah because she doesnt give a shit about other people, she didnt come home. she was in her office fucking around on her computer, whiile i was supposed to be in therp. that annoyed me. really. feeling like my things dont matter. and when she got home, she goes, *oh yeah, today was wednesday, i'll have to remmeber next week.* not even a *sorry*...NOTHING.
kira told me that kristen was shopping online for like 4:30 on, unntil she got home. now is that so important? i dont think so. so now, i'm out $85. b/c diane has to charge me for the session b/c i called her at 5:15 and told her *i guess kristen isnt coming home, so i wont be making it in to you tonite*. so, yeah. i'll have to lay out $85 unnecessarily. for a therp session i didnt go to and its all kristens fault. i dont have hte money to piss away.

11:10PM

blegh. i feel like ass right now. i started taking the pill and i'm sick from it. neasueated and vomitting....and shitting my brains out, (sorry to get graphic)

had lunch with lauren and kate today. had soup and then puked when i got home. neauated and also prolly cuz i cant stand food in me...so, part was cuz i'm too fat and part cuz i feel so sick from this fucking pill. went to class tonite and left early cuz i threw up in the bathroom. my stomach hurts really bad...

okay, so my whole body feels as if i'm going to break apart. everything hurts. cramps in my whole body and stuff...maybe i need to stop running. but then again, maybe i need to not resemble a cow, or a whale or a pig...

Current mood: blah

3:55AM

i havent slept a wink tonite. insomnia like whoa. my heart is racing out of control. fuck, i hate this.

Current mood: anxious

12:42AM

Your Future! by sum41prin
Name or LJ username:
Home:
Location:	Anchorage, Alaska
Job:	nursing home butt wiper
How much youll make per year:	$61,008
Vehicle:
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Current mood: exhausted

8:45PM

ya know how sometimes you wake up after a nite of sleeping and you know you've had some fucked up weird ass dreams, but you can remember them?...and then suddenly by the end of the day, they come to you?...and you're like, *what the hell did i dream that for?...thats messed up.*. ok, so what i'm getting at is that last night i dreamt quite a bit. i kept waking up but i was unable to recall the dreams at the time. well, after a whole day, 2 of them have come to me. first i dreamt about treatment related to me ED. i dreamt that i was going to be sent off to a treatment center called *sunshine ranch*. in the dream, i never actually got to the center, but the dream led me up until then, and after that i woke up. int this dream, first off, i was seeing some random therapist. it wasnt like a therp i had in the past or anything. in the dream, she wasnt someone i'd seen before. so that was weird to begin with. so, i went to therp every week and she'd continually threaten me that i was going to be sent to the sunshine ranch if i didnt improve. long story short, i got worse and worse as i went on and at the end, before i woke up, i was packing to go to the sunshine ranch. weird shit. and my other dream, completely unrelated to my ED, but so friggin weird. kinda twisted actually. i'm kinda scared to write about it. i feel sorta bad about it. i'm wondering now what it means. okay, so the dream was that i was in my bedroom watching a movie with anthony. and there was a knock at the door. it was our friend Ian. he told us how lonely he was and how he needed some loving. so, okay, we had a three some. gross. weird. i dunno why i dreamt such a thing. i feel bad. like what does that mean? like, does it lessen the way i feel for ant? i mean, i think i've fallen in love with a great guy. Ian is a great friend, but not someone i'd want to be with. so, anyway, we were in the middle of things, and suddenly, my dad opened my bedroom door. much to his surprise tehre were 3 of us in my bed. he goes, *well, you 3 do what you want, but i better not catch any of you smoking pot in here.*...
and that was it. he walked out, shut the door, and then i woke up...

yea, weird i know.

Current mood: uncomfortable

5:52PM

i'm freaking exxhausted. i just spent the day christmas shopping. my legs are killing me. i'm wicked tired. i need to rest now. i hate this time of year with the holidays. the holiday season always makes me feel so fat, even if i'm really not. like, it seems everywhere i turn, there is another magazine article about avoiding holiday weight gain and all that other crap. the holidays always make me scared about gaining a ton of weight. and then once new years hits, its everyones resolutuion to loose weight, while i resolve to gain. i hate it. its hard. i mean, everyone else can loose weight in 2005, so why am i not allowed? its a hard time of the year for me. always has been, and i HATE it so very much! the holidays make me feel so bad about myself. if i eat that piece of turkey of thanksgiving, i'll be fat and gross and sometimes its so hard not to believe it. okay, enough babbling...going to rest now

Current mood: tired

9:38PM

This is your life, by switchfoot


yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose

yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose

don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life are you who you want to be

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose

and you had everything to lose
- - -- - - - -- - -- - -- -- - -- - -- - - - - -- - -- - - - - -- - - - - -


i love this song. its become my newest obbsession. thank you nik. you always manage to find such meaningful music...

....this is my life, am i who i want to be?
....this is my life, is it everything i dreamed it would be?

Current mood: calm

9:03PM

i just got off the phone with gena. i miss her so much. everytime i hang up with her i end up in tears. i miss her like crazy. she's doing a presentation on eating disorders on tuesday for her psych class and she wants to include my story within her presentation. thats cool, i mean i'd do anything to help her out. i've never really shared my story with anyone for anything like yjis, so i think its pretty cool.

my new therp is so good. shes so on top of me. i feel like she'd never let me fall. its a good feeling. i often felt that meg was more concerned with her money and being sure that she got it, rather than how i was doing. diane seems genuinely concerned with how i'm feeling. thats reassuring and comforting to me.

anthony is coming over tonite. i'm so cold. i need cuddling. i need someone to hold me. i went back to the doc today. my lungs are clear and my broncitis seems to be on its way out. thank friggin god.

Current mood: tired

8:40PM

despite being cranky, sick, feverish and just plain icky, i managed to accomplish something today. i made myself an appt with an OB/GYN. i havent been to the doc since i was raped. granted i havent been sexually active since then, but since anthony, i feel like its time to go. and by the way, things with anthony and me are great. i worked up enough courage to talk to him about how much him talking about nina upset me. so, things are great now. i'm so happy...
anyways, i'm scared of the gyno. it brings back unwanted memories. but i guess i have to get over that fear sooner or later. so, yeah i got an appt. on dec 21st. enough time for me to calm myself about all this. so now, i can find out what the hell is going on with my ovaries and my insides and why i want to rip out my insides at that time of the month. and also, now i can get a pap smear and all that lovely womenly stuff.

i'm still very sick. i've been laying around doing nothing the past 2 days. at work, i've been sticking christian in front of the tv...(i know, thats rule #1 of what i'm not supposed to do as a good babysitter), but being sick i havent any other choices. so, we've been watching disney movies. good fun. oh and yeah, so i got my pay check today. yeah finally. the one from last week. the one that i earned from sleeping over those 2 nites. yeah the one that was worth only $225. i've been screwed again. oh well. yeah all that work and stuff for $225. what a crock of shit.

this is completely random, but its really bothering me the past week...\
my grandma, the one who lives with us, well she's sick. shes got parkinsons disease and a zillion other things wrong as well. the parkinsons is progressing really really fast. and everyday, its like a part of her leaves me. i hate it. i hate it so much. i hate living in the same house with her. i hate watching her die, litterally right before my very eyes. it hurts me. shes not the same anymore and everyday it becomes more and more evident. maybe its because i know too much. i know too much about the disease. when she was diagnosed when i was 14, at that time i was old enough to realize that she wasnt ever going to get better, only worse. i guess i wanted to know what was really wrong, cuz no one in my family would tell me the truth. i went online and looked up info and ultimately i found out too much i guess. really upsetting. like eventually she'll loose her abilitly to use her muscles and wont be able to walk. already her muscles are freezing. like she'll go to stand up and wont be able to walk cuz muscles have basically forgetten how to move. to watch this is heartbreaking. she's becoming very forgetful. her tremors are really really bad. she can barely get out of her damn reclineing chair all day. and thats really upsetting. to watch her swallow her pills all day is horrible. she takes literally 12-15 meds per day. shes dying and there's nothing i or anyone else can do about it. and to watch this happen in my own home is hurting me so bad. why does this have to happen in my house? why was my family the lucky ones who got an apartment added on to their house to take my grandma in? i cant deal with this. something in my heart tells me she's got maybe a year left. at best. i cant even begin to explain how that makes me feel. shes dying and i cant save her.

Current mood: cranky

9:41PM

i'm cranky, very cranky. i'm sicker than sick right now. i feel like death, i look like death. all i want to do is sleep, but i cant get comfy. i cant breathe. my chest is killing me from coughing. my nose is so raw from blowing it. yuck, i feel awful.

Current mood: cranky

7:50PM

I'm worth $1,765,553.90! How much are you worth?

Current mood: sick